Beautifully Flawed

     When I used to sit at work and day dream about a different life, I would day dream about waking up and writing all day, about making a cup of coffee, getting up while the sun was rising, and sitting in front of my computer screen and writing. It seemed like the ultimate luxury, the most beautiful way to spend a day, something that only others could do. Now, I have the chance to do exactly that. So, why, since I've started this sabbatical, have I done so little of it? Good old self-doubt and productive procrastination. I had planned to spend all of November writing but I would sit down to write and find myself working on starting a reiki business instead, convincing myself it was okay not to write because I was working on something else I was passionate about. I had just finished my Reiki level II class and I was excited and motivated to spread healing energy and I did feel invigorated every step of the way but little pieces of the truth started to seep through. I pulled Pele, the goddess of divine passion, from my goddess guidance deck and her message was "Be honest with yourself; What is your heart's true desire?" I instantly knew that it was my writing, all the cells in my body responded to the idea of being a writer, but then a little friend in my mind reminded me that I had been spending so much time and energy on this reiki business! That could be my true desire too, right? Right? I wasn't quite ready to stop the reiki momentum yet. Then I met with a money mentor and she asked me what my number one dream was and my answer was writing and not reiki. I had a craving to write; I could envision my life as a writer and not as a reiki practitioner. Writing was how I wanted to make my money. It turns out that the month of November was a well intentioned ploy by my inner critic to get me to not write.
     My inner critic is very practical; she doesn't believe in risks or the unknown. She was not supportive of this time off of work and now she figures if I've gone ahead with this decision than she has to make the best of it by finding practical ways to support us and a reiki business has a clearer path to income than writing so of course that's what she pushed. But how does she know it's a clearer path? Because she gets all of her information from other people. I know my inner critic is trying to protect me; she thinks that if I never try than I never have to fail and ultimately, she just wants me to be happy, but I see one thing she doesn't. I see that I don't just deserve the practical happiness; I deserve the beyond-your-wildest dreams, jump-up-and-down, scream-from-the-mountaintops happiness. We all do. I want to write; I want to have a book published by a traditional publisher. I want to have book signings where people are actually interested in hearing me read a page of my writing. I want to receive royalty checks and make a living from creating stories and sharing them and the only way I am going to get there is by actually writing and not just keeping it as a back burner dream.
     Writing grounds me. I used writing as a coping mechanism for years and have boxes of journals filled with words I didn't have the courage to share with anyone else, and the writing of those words was freedom and self-expression and the developing of my inner voice and perspective on the world. Journaling was validating and safe. In the past I've been timid and shy and afraid to take up more space than I need to, hunching over and keeping my arms tight by my side, at one point even being envious of people larger than me because of how much extra space they got to take up. Writing allows me to take up as much space as I want to; it teaches me how to release and sharing my writing will teach me how to trust.
     I do have a self-published book which is available on Amazon but if I'm honest when I think of my old teachers and fellow English majors reading it, I cringe; because I know it does not highlight my strengths, and it does not show my full potential. It is filled with basic grammatical errors and switches shamelessly between tenses, but I also know that I do have it within me to make it a great novel. I believe in my idea and I believe that if I work at it, I have the capability to make it what I want it to be. I am proud of it as a first draft, because that is what it is right now. It is raw, unedited, words on a page, and that is definitely something I can work with. My first book in its current version may be full of errors but it is also full of potential, making it beautifully flawed and that's a great place to start.
     When we set intentions we do risk failure, but we also let the Universe know we've made our decision and we're ready for success and the Universe loves this because finally, finally it can respond for us. So, I am letting you and the Universe know that I will be an author published by a traditional publishing house and I am going to work every day to make that happen.

And maybe, I can even spread reiki through my writing.

  Ashe.