Beautifully Flawed

     When I used to sit at work and day dream about a different life, I would day dream about waking up and writing all day, about making a cup of coffee, getting up while the sun was rising, and sitting in front of my computer screen and writing. It seemed like the ultimate luxury, the most beautiful way to spend a day, something that only others could do. Now, I have the chance to do exactly that. So, why, since I've started this sabbatical, have I done so little of it? Good old self-doubt and productive procrastination. I had planned to spend all of November writing but I would sit down to write and find myself working on starting a reiki business instead, convincing myself it was okay not to write because I was working on something else I was passionate about. I had just finished my Reiki level II class and I was excited and motivated to spread healing energy and I did feel invigorated every step of the way but little pieces of the truth started to seep through. I pulled Pele, the goddess of divine passion, from my goddess guidance deck and her message was "Be honest with yourself; What is your heart's true desire?" I instantly knew that it was my writing, all the cells in my body responded to the idea of being a writer, but then a little friend in my mind reminded me that I had been spending so much time and energy on this reiki business! That could be my true desire too, right? Right? I wasn't quite ready to stop the reiki momentum yet. Then I met with a money mentor and she asked me what my number one dream was and my answer was writing and not reiki. I had a craving to write; I could envision my life as a writer and not as a reiki practitioner. Writing was how I wanted to make my money. It turns out that the month of November was a well intentioned ploy by my inner critic to get me to not write.
     My inner critic is very practical; she doesn't believe in risks or the unknown. She was not supportive of this time off of work and now she figures if I've gone ahead with this decision than she has to make the best of it by finding practical ways to support us and a reiki business has a clearer path to income than writing so of course that's what she pushed. But how does she know it's a clearer path? Because she gets all of her information from other people. I know my inner critic is trying to protect me; she thinks that if I never try than I never have to fail and ultimately, she just wants me to be happy, but I see one thing she doesn't. I see that I don't just deserve the practical happiness; I deserve the beyond-your-wildest dreams, jump-up-and-down, scream-from-the-mountaintops happiness. We all do. I want to write; I want to have a book published by a traditional publisher. I want to have book signings where people are actually interested in hearing me read a page of my writing. I want to receive royalty checks and make a living from creating stories and sharing them and the only way I am going to get there is by actually writing and not just keeping it as a back burner dream.
     Writing grounds me. I used writing as a coping mechanism for years and have boxes of journals filled with words I didn't have the courage to share with anyone else, and the writing of those words was freedom and self-expression and the developing of my inner voice and perspective on the world. Journaling was validating and safe. In the past I've been timid and shy and afraid to take up more space than I need to, hunching over and keeping my arms tight by my side, at one point even being envious of people larger than me because of how much extra space they got to take up. Writing allows me to take up as much space as I want to; it teaches me how to release and sharing my writing will teach me how to trust.
     I do have a self-published book which is available on Amazon but if I'm honest when I think of my old teachers and fellow English majors reading it, I cringe; because I know it does not highlight my strengths, and it does not show my full potential. It is filled with basic grammatical errors and switches shamelessly between tenses, but I also know that I do have it within me to make it a great novel. I believe in my idea and I believe that if I work at it, I have the capability to make it what I want it to be. I am proud of it as a first draft, because that is what it is right now. It is raw, unedited, words on a page, and that is definitely something I can work with. My first book in its current version may be full of errors but it is also full of potential, making it beautifully flawed and that's a great place to start.
     When we set intentions we do risk failure, but we also let the Universe know we've made our decision and we're ready for success and the Universe loves this because finally, finally it can respond for us. So, I am letting you and the Universe know that I will be an author published by a traditional publishing house and I am going to work every day to make that happen.

And maybe, I can even spread reiki through my writing.

  Ashe.

Transitions and the Power of Mayonnaise

     It seems that as I am transitioning, many others are as well. As I watch from where I stand, some are seamlessly making a new way and some are crashing and burning through to the next stage. What makes a transition easier? I've had both hard and easy transitions in my life. I cried at my college graduation because I knew things would never be the same. I stood in that field as the chairs emptied and my friends walked away to take pictures with their families, and I knew we would never be just a hallway apart again, we would never again eat dinner together every day, and I knew we wouldn't stay in touch as often as we promised. I packed up my dorm room, said my final goodbyes, and spent the next two years fumbling my way through life without direction, drudging through a toxic relationship, and being forced to face past traumas I had never dealt with. That was a rough transition. I've also successfully transitioned from food service to the corporate world where I was promoted through 5 different positions in 6 years at the same company, each time gaining knowledge and skills and experience that I can take with me wherever I go. As an athlete, I transitioned from a distance runner to a competitive roller derby player, where I learned new things that my body and mind were capable of. And my favorite: I've transitioned from someone who believed only other people knew what was best for her, who thought only other people knew how to live life the right way, to someone who knows now that I have a power within myself and that it's okay to say I do know what's best for me and to realize that sometimes other people don't have all the answers.
     I'll never forget this man who used to come in every day to the coffee/sandwich shop where I worked for the first year after college. Every day he would come in asking if I'd figured out what I was going to do with my life yet. Eventually, I came to dread him coming in. Many of the regular customers would ask me what I was going to do next and the truth was that I had no idea but I didn't know how to say that at that time, so the conversations left me frustrated and feeling beaten down. This one guy in particular though really bothered me; he had this smug smile and sarcastic attitude. So one day I'm at the sandwich station refilling a mayonnaise bottle. I have this big industrial sized bag of mayo and I'm holding it over the small opening to plastic bottle  and up walks this man and he says "That is never going to work; you're going to spill it everywhere." And I smiled and I squeezed the mayonnaise out of a tiny hole I had cut in the corner of the giant bag and it flowed easily into the plastic bottle and I finally realized - that guy was full of crap. He had no idea what he was talking about and he didn't know what I knew about the tiny hole in the giant bag. It became so clear that I had given this guy and so many others more power over my life than I was giving myself and they didn't have one quarter of the information and perspective that I did. That day with the mayonnaise was the beginning of many shifts that would happen for me, allowing me to begin to trust and accept myself and my decisions.
     Now, I've intentionally put myself in a place where I am not sure what my life will specifically look like and again I am getting questions about why and what's next, but the difference is that now I do know how to say "I don't know, and I'm really excited about it." I see now that that man just wanted to connect and the only thing he knew about me was that I had just graduated from college, so that is all he had to ask about. So often, people just want to connect and they seek the most obvious piece of information to connect to because it is safe and it is easy and it makes perfect sense that we do that. If I am standing in a place of confidence then I don't need to be frustrated or overwhelmed with anyone else's questions or comments on my life. So, what makes a transition easier? For me it is finding a way to trust yourself, your decisions, and the reasons why you are making a change in your life. Become okay with where you are, when you are, and realize that you are in exactly the right place, at exactly the right time, being exactly who you were meant to be.

Lots of love. Ashe.

And the day came. ( A nod to Anais Nin)

     On October 3rd, I walked into my office building as an employee for the last time. I spent the day finishing end of the quarter submissions, e-mailing review documents, saying goodbye to people and being incredibly and intensely terrified. By the time 5:00 p.m. rolled around I felt like I was on a coffee buzz on steroids. I was jittery and couldn't hold a good conversation; my eyes were each a mile wide. I was scared of what I was doing but each time I thought about staying there I could feel that it was not aligned with where I needed to be.  
     I had been one of the youngest managers in the company and was making a very comfortable salary with full benefits. I could see my future there before me and I knew I had the skills to continue moving up and increasing my income. I knew I could be successful there for the long-term and that it would be a smart career to support myself and a future family but, when it came down to it, the thought of waking up in 20 years and still being there was disheartening. The stability was no longer enticing. I knew I wanted something different. The problem was I didn't know what that something looked like. Every time I tried to figure it out I became overwhelmed with the possibilities, so I stayed where I was.      
     I felt there were so many directions that I could turn in and I heard everyone else's opinions in my head. I knew I had a good thing and I knew a lot of people would think I was crazy for giving it up with no plan of what I was doing next. But, I also knew that if I could just choose one direction to move in that I would succeed. I had a confidence growing inside of me that I was going to be okay no matter what I decided to do. I had all this experience and an MBA to fall back on now. I just wasn't able to work and figure out a new direction. I couldn't manage to sit down and figure out what I wanted to do for a career. I realized that I wanted to be in a place with no commitments. I craved time to be able to get bored.  I wanted to be free to wake up each morning and do what I wanted to do, to go where I wanted to go. I didn't want anyone else in charge of my time any longer. It just didn't make sense anymore, but I had no idea how it would be possible.  

     I never forced the idea; it grew naturally out of that desire. I could feel so deeply in my core that I needed a time to be fully in charge of my life and for some reason, I actually believed that it could be done. After that, the idea of sabbatical fell into place naturally. One day, I was running over my budget and realized if I planned my savings the right way I could actually afford to take at least six months off of work. I knew I would be sacrificing the savings for other uses but this was important to me, so I made the choice and I set a date for my last day. Typically, a sabbatical means a return to the same job once it's over, but I knew if I left my job I wouldn't be coming back. This would be me clearly choosing a door to close and consciously stepping into an unknown future so I didn't tell anyone at first. I wasn't ready to risk letting their doubts become my doubts, so I kept working and let the idea create roots in my psyche. 
     As the date I set moved closer I began to tell people I trusted. First my boyfriend, and then a few close friends and family and each time I told someone I grew more confident in my plan. Before I knew it the date to give my notice at work came. I was so incredibly nervous; I was shaking and sweating and couldn't catch a deep breath, but still I knew I was doing what I needed to. I printed out inspirational quotes and took a picture of my closest friends and a crystal for courage into a conference room and called my director. The conversation could not have gone any better and I felt supported and encouraged. The more people I told, the more support I felt and when I did hear potentially negative feedback it didn't affect me because I realized they were just projecting their own fears onto my situation and they were valid fears that I had already dealt with. It was a huge sign that I was fully invested in this decision.
     That night though, I did feel untethered. Now that it was real I felt like I was floating around in this empty space. I had no idea what my future was going to look like, but I knew I had officially begun to move toward it. When I told my team I was leaving it was one of the most incredible experiences, people actually cried, and I was in awe. I knew I had built relationships with the people I worked with, but I never imagined they would be so upset at my leaving. It showed me that if I could have an impact in such a structured corporate world, that I would be able to connect with whatever I ultimately decided to do. The Universe was validating my decision, and despite the terror I felt on my last day, I still knew I was doing what was best for me. 
     That day I learned that sometimes it is good to be terrified. I stayed after everyone else left to clean out my cubicle and say goodbye in my own way to the office. I turned in my badge and looked up at the office building one last time. Six years I had been there. I remembered the first day I walked through the doors and how excited I was for a new beginning - leaving food service to join the corporate world. I thought about all the people I had met and all I had learned over the years and I felt immensely grateful for the company and everything I had gained. I drove home in awe of this moment and the fact that I was now officially and intentionally unemployed.
    Since that day, I have been doing exactly what I intended. For the past month I have been waking up knowing that the day is open to whatever I want to do. For most of October I spent that time sleeping in, watching TV, staying up late and staying in and it was awesome. It felt like one long incredible day. It felt like being a little kid during summer vacation. Since the beginning of November, I've been craving more structure and it feels really good to know that that desire came naturally and also that I get to build my own structure. The creative ideas are flowing non-stop and it feels invigorating.

      My intent now is to share a way of life. I see that we can all create our owns lives and we already are. We are already creating our lives each day, but most of us are doing it in default mode and what I want to share is how I am getting myself out of default mode. I’m choosing to actively create the life that I want to live. I have no idea what my main source of income will be after this sabbatical but I know that it will work out, because it has to. And I mean that out of a understanding that the universe is always taking care of me. I am standing in this place on my own two feet but with the support of so much more than that. Living this way is going to take a lot of trust and a lot of confidence and I'm ready for it.
     This is my story of learning to trust, accept, and embrace the power of the Universe and the power in myself. I hope you'll join me as I create the life I want to live and I hope you'll begin to create yours too, whatever that may look like for you.  

Lots of love to you!
Ashe.